Ticker to Goal

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Hold the front page!

Well I was hoping to see this for my bandiversary last week but I have nothing but joy at sharing it with you all now.

**drum roll**

I declare that I am now over half way to my goal weight!!!!

In stones

In pounds
In kilos
This has moved my BMI  down to 29.4. I don't know when I went down into the 29's but do you know what this means???

I am NOT obese!!!!!

Who wants to dance around with me like a crazy person? Woo hoo!!

Things are still going well with A2. We've had 7 great dates. It nearly all went wrong on Sunday. We had a bit of a miscommunication. It was all sorted but I hate that it happened. It did mean that we both realised this means a lot to both of us, certainly more than he has let on before. I can't wait to see him again!

Today is my mum's birthday. She's 64. I'm going out to dinner with her and my dad tonight. It should be interesting. I've never been to this restaurant before and my dad, who I don't get on with well, is the ultimate feeder. He loves others to eat lots so his monstrous portions are less obvious. We shall see. I am not keen to see these numbers vanish again. Unless of course I am exchanging them for a lower variety!

5 months today until Mexico and I would really love to loose 2 stone before then, that's 28 lbs for you non-stone working people. It would take me to 11 stone 5 3/4  or 159.8 It's a very healthy and respectable weight but still a little above my goal. To do it though, I will need to get off my arse and work out a bit more. Of course if things moved a bit quicker with A2, I could get an entirely different sort of workout. ;o) xx

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Fickle little monsters ...

Never get me wrong, I LOVE my band but there are times when I want to throttle her.

Whenever I am with A2 I get really gurgle-y. He thinks it's funny. I get hideously embarrassed. I've tried to pass it off as my band when I eat but it doesn't do that any other time. It's just around him!!! I'm now wondering if its a banded equivalent of butterflies in my tummy. Any body else noticed something similar? It's not tight or gassy or anything just gurgle gurgle gurgle.

Lately I've also had a few reflux time incidents. Not badly but annoying. Woken me up twice and always HOURS after I went to bed. I've avoided eating for a while before bed which Catherine mentioned. (I love how we share these things) It's really helped. I ate late last night. A2 was supposed to be taking me for dinner but stuffed himself at the cinema watching Skyfall in the afternoon. (2 packets of popcorn, a hotdog and nachos!!) so there wasn't much point. I had a slice of cheese on toast WAY too late. I knew it would be bad. I woke up at 4 and took something and went back to bed. This morning when I got up at 9, nothing was going down. I felt rough and miserable. I made coffee. Yummy real stuff. I've been trying to cut down on that too since the reflux. 1 little sip, not even a mouthful and all my symptoms vanished. In seconds. Band sprang back open. Reflux feeling went. Vitamins went down a breeze. Now if only coffee sorted the embarrassing gurgle gurgle thing, I'd be onto a winner. Xx

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Things I didn't know a year ago ...

One year ago, I was in a dark place. Not literally obviously as hospitals, even private ones, are generally very well lit, but emotionally.
August 2011
My ex left me in September 2011. I was heart broken. I cried more than I didn't. Physically doing anything took all my strength. I don't actually remember how I made it through the days at school. I barely functioned.
September 2011
I would never have admitted it but I had a terrible relationship with food. I ate, probably the same as we all did pre band but in a permanent state of denial. It was never what I ate. It was always something else. Whenever I ate, regardless of what I ate, I would berate myself for my lack of will power, for my endless hunger and cravings. How useless was I? Not only did I want feeding, but I desired food permanently. I planned holidays, trips, everything around my desire for food and that just showed how weak I was. I mean surely normal people didn't dream about food and feel the need for it 3 times a day. How crazy is that?!!!! If I ever ate a chocolate biscuit in the staffroom, I would bargain with myself. I would look in the mirror and demand that my useless fat body loose weight. It rarely did.

August 2011
So amongst all this, it became apparent I was working for Lord Voldemort's evil twin sister. I won't go into the details but basically the woman decided she didn't like me and the double standards began. I would follow the same procedures and rules as everyone else but I would be wrong. I got yelled at in front of staff, children, parents, anyone. She was hideously unprofessional and very unsupportive. I was to be last year's scape goat. It's how she works. It is all x's fault. Last year, mid terrible break up, that was me. 

September 2011
Then just when I thought it could get no worse, it got worse. My beautiful, wonderful mummy was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in her lungs. It had micro metastasized to her lungs and other than 'delaying tactics' there is nothing they can do. My mum and I are close. It hit me like a brick wall at 150 mph. I was as low as I had ever been and the universe was finding a whole new low for me to crawl into.

August 2011
My 'best friend' could barely be bothered to talk to me. All she wanted to do was talk about her new perfect relationship and her new perfect life in her new perfect house. I mean seriously, my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she says, "You know where I am if you need me. You can come and see the house this weekend." (I think she missed the part where I barely got out of bed for a week!) She asked me to babysit for her at half term, I said I was busy (I was) and then a couple of weeks later, I said I was having trouble coping, working etc and couldn't wait until Easter, her response was "Neither can I, we're going to Mexico."

September 2011
August 2011

So what has changed in the last year?

I've lost 39.7 lbs
 I'm not halfway but my weight loss did not start moving until well into the new year. I have 24 weeks until I go to Mexico and if I can loose 1 lb a week until then, I will be thrilled.It's not the be all and end all though. I am starting to see my weight as a number not a measure of my self worth. I've dropped several dress sizes but it depends on the cut, style as to exactly how many. I can see it though. I can see my shape has changed. My waist has emerged more. I'm slimmer all over and my silhouette is looking great. Of course, it'll be better when the next 42.8 lbs has gone. There may be more surgery in my future, an arm lift, a bum lift, some liposuction maybe but for now, I am satisfied, happy even.

August 2012
August 2012
I still love the odd chocolate biscuit but I never make myself feel guilty about them anymore. If I eat them, I eat them. I will do better tomorrow or the next day. I am winning the war but I am not in a sprint for the finish. It doesn't make me queen of the bandsters or super banded Sarah but it makes me normal. I don't think twice about going out for lunch, dinner, a drink. I don't worry about how fast the numbers are going down and that means that once in a while I can treat myself. I know if I was religiously on track, I would be a lot closer to my goal but being mentally closer to a healthy relationship with food, beats that hands down. 

August 2012
August 2012
So while some friendships fell apart at the seems, others have been cemented. Local friends who know have come into their own and brand new friendships have been forged. Many of them crossing international borders. I cannot wait to meet many more of you in person. You are incredible and inspiring women who make me want to strive to do better, be better every day. When I don't blog, I think about you. When you don't blog, I think about you. You are my friends, my biggest blessing from this year. You have been the rocks I needed in the tough times. I cannot thank you enough. I love you all. Lots. 
July 2012
August 2012
I came back from the States in August and fell into a pretty incredible new job at a new school. I am covering for another teacher on long term sick. I have a beautiful class. They make my heart sing. I work alongside another amazing teacher, the Head is great and incredibly friendly and although like every school there are little things you would change if you could, I have really landed on my feet. I'm crossing my fingers that something will happen so that I can stay but not in a bad luck for anyone else type of way.

August 2012

August 2012
And for those of you still holding your breath ... yes things are going very well, albeit very slowly with A2. I REALLY REALLY like him but I am not keen on this very slow thing. In my head (because part of the evil brain still resides in there) if he isn't trying it on, he can't fancy me that much. We've talked about it. He says he does. He says he wants to get to know me and trust me first but queen of the skeptics here is starting to believe that if he doesn't feel that way yet after a month of pretty much non stop texts, will he ever? I know that I just need to be patient but I'm the girl, I should be beating him off with a stick not be trying to talk him into bed. Someone has pointed out that my issue with it, is my lack of control. It's all very vague wishy washy rules that I swear he makes up as he goes along just to be awkward. It really doesn't seem to be of any religious or personal belief. However, I am being a good girl and going at his pace. No girl would ever be expected to say "I'll be ready in x dates or x weeks" but I do think I may go crazy before we get there. I don't know if he's "the one" and it's way to early to be using boyfriend/girlfriend terms yet let alone the L words but the butterflies are back. I feel special again. Maybe just maybe, I will find love again.

September 2012
October 2012
For those of you who haven't cottoned on, today is my one year bandiversary. One year ago today, I was recovering from surgery with very very low blood pressure and the urge to throw up and pass out simultaneously as soon as I stood up (seriously I had to sit down walking the 5 metres from my bed to the toilet). I thought the lap band would change my life. I thought it would make me thin. I expected to have lost all my weight by now. I NEVER realised the lap band would do so much more. Nobody told me a band around your stomach can find you new friends, help fix your head issues and mend a broken heart. Getting the band was without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done. I may change my mind about this when I have children or get married but for now ... definitely. I celebrated with a chocolate muffin when I met up with some friends after work and a new dress. (Fat Face size 12 - UK size 12 because I'm English! Whoop Whoop!)
Band, you've turned my world around. Thank you xx

August 2012
So my final thought came to me via a song on the radio on my journey to work today. Last year, I could NEVER have predicted the changes in my life over the last year. There were days when I thought I wouldn't make it, when I truly believed my heart would break before I made it to the end. Strength is granted to us all and even when I was holding on by the skin of your teeth, I was holding on and if I can, anyone can. Thank you for holding on with me when I needed you. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Every little helps

Or so says Tesco.

So when even a tiny bit more comes off the scale, it warrants and post and a round of applause and a pat on the back. And balloons. And champagne. And chocolate biscuits.

Oh yes, I don't eat them now, do I.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

What's a bandster without her blogging besties?

Girls, I cannot thank you enough for those words of support yesterday. I am not really an anxious person but certain situations really bring it out in me. Yesterday, when I posted I was full on ready to hyperventilate and hide in the bath tub, Laura Belle stylie. Heaven knows how she does it because my one little panic is nothing compared to how much she goes through but you all came running to my rescue. Perhaps it was the 4 emails I coincidentally got as I was walking out to the car from a certain online dating success story. Perhaps it was the million emails telling me I looked hot. Perhaps it was because A2 is just amazing, my anxiety disappeared very quickly. It was a great night. There was kissing and hand-holding and we had seats in a quiet little corner of the bar and had long chats while time slipped by so fast I didn't quite believe it when it was time to go home. He was a perfect gentleman, brought me home, didn't come in and text me when he got home. And again this morning. I really like him. I know it's very early days and I am desperately trying not to get my hopes up or read more into it than there is but he really is pretty amazing. I can't wait to see him again.

My pre date dinner was almost impossible to eat I was so panicked, so I put it in the fridge and heated it up when I got home. Problem with eating at 11:30 pm is that I was so hungry I forgot to chew. There are no prizes for guessing what happened next. Next date night, I will have to have dinner before the nerves set in or have mushies on hand for easy shoveling.

Saturday, 6 October 2012

2nd date nerves

Oh crap I'm nervous. He is picking me up any second and we're going out for drinks at some trendy bar. Cross your fingers xx

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Follow ups

Look what I woke up to this morning ...
In stones
In pounds
In kilos
Just 2 more pounds until the halfway mark. Just under 3 weeks to do it. Fingers crossed.

The observant amongst you will notice that only one foot is one the scale. I wasn't cheating. I weighed properly but in order to take the picture without reflecting myself in the ever so shiny (thank you lovely cleaning lady) scale front I had to lunge back with one leg after the beep while keeping most of my weight on the front leg so the blasted thing didn't turn off. 

I haven't seen A2 again but we are going to do something this weekend. He is really really lovely. Very chilled out, down to Earth and kind. I already like him much more than I should for someone I have met once of the internet and then I remember how many times I have met you girls. With the exception of Beth I haven't met any of you! I find that so hard to believe sometimes. I would walk through fire for most of you girls. I count you as among my best friends. When my mum's cancer was diagnosed, my actual "best friend" didn't call once, but you sent messages of support and encouragement and prayers from across the world. Its the emotional connection that counts, right? That's why I feel so close to you. And after non stop texts for the best part of 2 weeks, it's obviously why I feel close to him.

In other news A1 (nose ring tattoo guy) sent me a message. It said: "Fancy some company?" My response was very diplomatically worded. It went something along the lines of "You cannot ignore me for 3 weeks and then want to pop over for a cup of coffee and a shag. Thank you for your time. Good day." Although then again maybe it did contain the odd swear word or two.

Monday, 1 October 2012

So a date and a fill ...

I pegged it out of school today and drove like a demon to get to my fill appointment on time. After the fiasco of trying to book an appointment last week, I wanted to arrive a few minutes early and speak to the nice friendly clinic staff about the problematic booking hotline from the main hospital.
The hospital is a LONG way away and I have not been there post op at all, it used to all managed through the local clinics but now you have to ring the evil booking hotline - seriously you get better customer service from call centres in India.
The second I started complaining/whinging the lovely receptionist says she knows just who I was talking about. Yes she has no people skills and she will pass my concerns along to the client liaison officer about customer satisfaction.
I went, got weighed (those scales hate me but I have clothes on and have always been eating/drinking)
The nurse came and asked if I wanted the whole 0.3 ml I had out back in. I've been pondering this. I need a fill but the last few days (TOTM) and after getting a little stuck last week, I am in no rush to be overly tight. I loved the first week after the band release how much more freedom I had and pondered if I had been too tight. I did not discuss my rational with the nurse, I said no and she said, fine we will go for 0.15ml and add another 0.1 next month if you need it.
I was hungry driving home. :o( I had 1 and 1/2 low fat sausages for dinner and 1 homemade chocolate chip cookie from my test batch for my pampered chef whip cancer fundraiser on Friday. Several hours later I am still very content. There are 6 yummy cookies sitting on the side in the kitchen and I am not bother. Please let this feeling last now.

There isn't very long (3 weeks 2 days) to a superly significant day in my banded life. Inspired by Mari, I need to get to 41.5 lbs lost by then. Just over halfway. 4.2 lbs to go. Can I do it? We can but see but I am going to work damned hard to try.

I went on my date. I worked myself into a right state before hand. I was properly panicking that he wouldn't like me. He did. I did. We chatted about random stuff and deep stuff. I had already told him I'd had surgery but wouldn't tell him anymore until we met so I explained about bands, how they work and how brilliant mine has been for me. I told him about my blog and you wonderful people and how gutted I was not being with you in Chicago. (Seriously, tell me what weekend and city and I will be there next year, work be damned!) He's never been to the states so I told him about my experiences of California, New York and Florida and how one day I am going to drive across the US and come visit as many of you as I can. He told me about his work and how he hates it and how he wants to do something else. He told me about things he likes to do and we made lots of jokes and generally had a great time. There may have been a little kissing in the car park before home time and there may have been quite a few texts since. Watch this space. xx